How to Look Good and Daft, Naked

Posted by Irresponsibility

The premise, in case you’ve missed it, of How To Look Good Naked is take one neurotically insecure female, add one uber-camp presenter (in the case of the American version, Queer Eye’s blond bombshell Carson) who will squeal ‘oh dahling, yo fabulous’ every three seconds, and add in a lot of horseshit about how all that stands between the aforementioned neurotic subject and life-long happiness is a properly fitting bra.

Seriously, that’s what it boils down to; that and the unsubtly brandished belief that who you are and what you do is much less important than what strangers think of the size of your thighs.

This episode’s generic pudgy girl was called Layla and refused to have mirrors in her house until ‘Cah-son’ twinkle-toed into her world, cajoled her into stripping for the camera so he mutter about ill-fitting bras. Oh, and photograph her in her knickers, project it 10 stories high (without her consent) and ask passerbys to pass judgement.

Incredibly, instead of battering him and then suing for invasion of privacy, she weeps (presumably with joy) into the cuff of her oversized dressing gown when one of the passing strangers says she has a ‘nice rack.’

Cah-son then drags her off to have her bosoms hoiked up by a woman who informs her that 85% of women wear the wrong size bra (clearly, a tragedy of global proportions). Finally, they get her in a nice outfit. Layla looks pleased as punch until Carson tells her the final step in the empowerfulment process is… posing naked.

Yeah, yeah, the clue is in the title of the show. It is still creepy watching Carson hector Layla into stripping off for a (male) photographer. This being telly (and her being brain dead) she of course ends up wallowing around in artful white draping like the sad porno-parody she’s become and then gurgles to Carson about how ‘this is the best day of my life.’

The piece de resistance of this dazzling slice of post-feminism sees Layla on the street asking passing randoms to look at the the huger-than-life projection of her nude photo and decide if she looks good naked. So fully Stockholm-syndromed up is she that instead of slapping in the mouth the woman who says ‘you look like a hot piece of ass’ Layla squeals ‘I love you.’

Woman, listen to yourself. You’re a human being. Why – in this world, or another – would you take as a compliment someone referring to you as a piece of meat? I wish to Christ that women, instead of gobbling down this ’empowerfulment through pornification’ bollocks would stop and ask themselves one question: would a man do this shit? No? Then you shouldn’t either.

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